Funtimes!

10. Hack his stopwatch so it only counts every other second. Hellllo 54 in 5!

9. Replace dry erase markers with ones that play music like on Picture Pages.

8. Have the entire league randomly break out into song every fifth lap.

7. Battle each other for the top of the pivot line.

6. Ask for more burpees.

5. Tell him he should read the new rules when he questions why you have laid down a track that has five turns.

4. Demand you start practicing a passive defense... "Just in case."

3. Show up to practice wearing inline skates.

10. He once jumped the apex ...from the jammer line.

9. He once elevator doored a jammer ...by himself.

8. His toe stops wear down floors.

7. His helmet is made entirely of stickers.

6. He once called a penalty ...on a ref.

5. He once skated a full 2-minute jam ...in 50 seconds.

4. He made the Team USA charter ...in 1775.

3. He once got lead jammer ...in a bout he wasn't playing in.

2. He once got to a rink on only one wheel ...driving in a semi-truck.

1. After a bout, his jersey smells of liquor, vacation, and hope.

We live in a great time, where derby is exploding all over the world, and yet I think there are definitely some universal truths

Ten Things No Derby Girl Has EVER Said.

Is there such a thing? I love playing, and I would play in ALL THE JAMS if I could. I'm sure most of you feel the same way. There might be that freak of nature out there who thinks she played too much, but I haven't met her yet.

10. Being able to juke through a crowd to get to the bathroom 2 minutes before gear check.

9. 27 in 5. Read through 27 message board posts for a committee meeting you're having 5 minutes from now.

8. Solely by lifting up your derby bag, know exactly what piece of equipment is missing from it.

7. During a long official review, get at least half of your team and at least one opponent dancing at the jammer line.

6. Must be able to plow stop so well that ice shavings fly off of your wheels.

10. Name all 50 states, and the best rink in each one.

9. How many congressmen are there in total, and how many could you take out with one hit?

8. What are your three favorite meals to have bacon with?

7. Obama, Bush, Clinton, Bush Sr., Reagan - if they were all living, which would you want as your pivot and as your jammer, and why.

6. If the minute men had skates, how much quicker would the war for independence have been decided?

5. Name five vice presidents. ...Nothing else, just five vice presidents.

10. Call a minor.

9. Tell skaters due to the new rules, you can now only use inline skates.

8. Talk about the pack only in the metric system.

7. Instead of wearing black and white uniforms, pull out your white and black ones!

6. After every ref huddle, come back to a player, smile all-too-wide, and say you weren't talking about them. Giggle a bit.

5. Don't talk with the other refs during a bout, communicate only by a complex series of whistling. Act normal.

by Trigger Mortis. Roller Derby Vet-At-Large Announcer for Assassination City Roller Derby

10. An app that reminds you to remove your gear from your bag, that includes a wailing siren if you dismiss it for longer than 2 hours.

9. An app that wipes clean any photos from the after party that really, really shouldn't have been taken.

8. An app that details the type of floor and best wheel assessment for every rink worldwide.

7. An app that surreptitiously reminds you to hydrate, that your rivals are working out right now, and that you should probably call your folks more often.