Published on October 15th, 2014 | by Andy Frye0
Photo of Val by Eric Lyons Photography, Sistine Chapel image by Michaelangelo, Photoshop image by Jake Silker
7 Signs of the Real Apocalypse
By Andy Frye, aka LeBron Shames, Chicago Bruise Brothers
I’m not really a TV watcher, but sometimes it’s hard to ignore that everyone else is, and moreover what they are watching. One of the things that seems to be a recurring theme on TV is that the end of the world, in one form or another, is near. Whether it’s Lena Dunham’s character on Girls getting stuck on the toilet or the marching zombies of Walking Dead, it’s fair to say that my fellow writers with jobs in television think it’s all going wrong. Hell, even in the sports world everything is upside down. Alabama lost last week and the Kansas City Royals not only win games but might make the World Series this year!
Again, since I don’t really watch TV much it’s probably fair to assume that if the apocalypse were to come anytime soon I would have to look for other signals of doom occurring around me. Especially in the roller derby world. Here’s a few signs I’d keep an eye out for:
Bye-Bye Brooklyn! Gotham, like almost every other New York City sports team, moves out of the city to New Jersey. Fans have to pony up an extra $46 for parking to see them play at MetLife Stadium. A year later they move to Los Angeles as Angel City moves to St. Louis.
Hairstyles change radically. The “pixie cut” comes back in style as Bork Bork Bork and Jackie Daniels cut off their fantastic curls for the Mia Farrow-inspired 1960’s ‘do. In MRDA derby, beards gradually disappear. Even worse, Sutton Impact shaves off his mustache.
Off-track betting becomes a thing. Impulsive daytime gamblers ditch ponies for what they like to call the thoroughbreds on skates. Attendance grows nationwide as bookies fill the stands.
Prime time mayhem. Derby’s popularity grows, but in the wrong way. ABC’s Derby With the Stars sees big time celebrities and Hollywood has-beens line up to take the hits. Survivor contestants compete by weathering pace lines. Gordon Ramsay hires Val Capone for his new show MasterDerb, and yelling ensues.
Freaky things happen. Full moons occur daily. Snot Rocket Science and the rest of Steel City’s roster start talking with Philadelphia accents. Davey Blockit’s dimples disappear.
Big money bankrolls media. Derby News Network reemerges as the new darling project of News Corp., as Karl Rove and Rupert Murdoch staff DNN boutcasts with Fox News veterans for “fair and balanced” reporting. Obama gets blamed on-air for every bad call by refs.
No one posts photos of food anymore. Or selfies.