What Grinds My Gears Ginger Snap, Photo: Axle Adams

Published on August 30th, 2013 | by Ginger Snap

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Ginger Snap, Photo: Axle Adams

Why I’m Not at Practice

Ladies and gentlemen – I present to you the most awesome-est excuses for missing practice or not skating. These are all real, actual, legit, for seriously ZOMG excuses from texts and emails I have received firsthand as a captain and coach since I started skating in 2004.I figured it was time to share my misery/joy in these excuses and see if anyone else has some gems out there. I’d like to think “I’ve heard them all!” But I bet you all have some that will blow mine out of the water…

Enjoy!

My dog ate two Ezeefits. We have only “seen” one of them again so far and we have to wait for the other one to “appear” or take him to the vet to have it surgically removed.

I have to leave practice early – I need to get home in time for curfew or my anklet will alert my parole officer.

I’m on bird maternity leave.

I am going to step out of this whipping drill because I don’t need help as a jammer.

I already started drinking.

I only packed 1 skate this morning when I left the house.

I only packed 1 wristguard this morning when I left the house.

I only packed 1… you get the picture…

I’m too busy fitting into size 8 pants at the mall!

I just got my hair straightened and I can’t wear a helmet or get my head sweaty or wet for another 24 hours.

I adopted a baby squirrel and need to get it shots so I don’t die of rabies when it eventually bites me because I know it will.*

My dog ate tinfoil and it ripped up his stomach.*

My dog ate an American cheese slice including the plastic wrapper and it’s stuck in his colon.*

My dog got into the garbage again.*

My adopted baby squirrel got loose and my dog is going to eat it if I don’t find it.*

I have to release my adopted baby squirrel into the park.*

(* Yes, these would all be from the same skater.)

Me: When we do assisting drills, you’ll need to cut your nails or you’ll scratch your teammates.
Skater With Long Porn Nails: I’m not cutting my nails! I spend too much money on these! I just won’t give anyone any help if they need it in a game. I’ll just step out of this drill.

I have to stay home with my dog – it seems he has been eating several mouthguards and is sick. (If yours is missing, let me know. We’ve lost count after the 9th one.)

NOTE TO READERS: 
All of the animals mentioned in this article are fine and dandy. Not to worry.

Except the squirrel – I don’t know what happened to that damn squirrel.

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  • http://www.ohiorollergirls.com ASpears

    I don’t think anything will ever beat the excuse from one of our skaters first year. I will paraphrase:

    I work in loss prevention. When I followed a suspected shoplifter out of the store, they ran. I pursued, and tackled them. Then they injected me with heroin. So I missed practice for the past 6 weeks.

    • Miss Ill Crisis

      I’m going to need to see a doctors note…

  • ARM

    what about “I’m lost in Stuttgart!”? that was mine for at least three of my practices lol

    • JAX

      A stau is also acceptable

  • Shady Hawkins

    I’m tired because I’ve been skating all week!

  • JAX

    I have something important to do TOMORROW, (so I need to stay home and internet until 2am instead).

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