Top Ten... Hale Yeah

Published on May 31st, 2013 | by Hale Yeah


Hale Yeah

Top Ten Ways to Market Roller Derby for the 2024 Olympics

10. Jammer panties now referred to as “Jammer caps” to match swimmers’ attire. They will also now be made of swimmer cap material to make star-passes incredibly entertaining.

9. Teams will now participate in an off-shoot competition of “Synchronized blocking.”

8. Starter pistols will now begin jams. (Aren’t you glad we don’t have two whistle starts anymore!)

7. Apex jumps will now be judged, giving teams extra points based on technical merit, presentation, placement, and how “boss” you look as you do it.

6. During the Parade of Nations, no derby skaters are allowed to carry the flag… as we know y’all would soon turn it into a race (And you know who you are!)

5. At least one skater on each Olympic derby team must have a heart-breaking story they can tell Bob Costas.

4. To promote an Olympics-Derby connection, standard oval at Champs will be exchanged for 5 interlocked ovals like the Olympic Games symbol. To make up for the size, each jam will now be 10 minutes long, and each bout will contain 32 different referees.

3. We will start putting the face of your favorite skaters on Wheaties boxes. (Please bring your own print outs and rolls of tape to your local grocery store and get to it.)

2. All great Olympic sports require a certain amount of drama. I know it may be tough, but we must find some way to bring drama to derby!

1. Lead jammer in all games now must carry a lit torch. Jam is called off by extinguishing torch or patting themselves out after they mistakenly catch fire.

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