Published on December 30th, 2012 | by Hale Yeah0
An Open Letter from Every Derby Opponent You Will Face in 2013
We, your opponents, are thrilled with how great a season you had in 2012. You really stepped it up and proved yourself to be a fantastic foe on the track! We think that kind of greatness should be rewarded.
So please feel free to sleep in more often. You need your rest and the gym can wait. In fact, you might as well skip the gym. You look great as is. With how good you were last year, you don’t need any more hard work. That’s for rookies! Now that you’re so good, forget about that run you had planned and just spend it shopping on new “cute” shorts!!! You’ll look a-mazing in them!
Also, really, indulge a bit! Why not a hamburger instead of that salad – and didn’t you give up enough desserts last year? I believe it’s time for some chocolate lava cake. Feel free to use both spoons. We won’t tell. That’s it.
You had a great season and so much hard work last year – please, it is time to think of you and just relax, take a break, and forget all of that hard training you went through. Just spend time on the couch, vegging out, and keep away from all of that “hard work” stuff.
We’d really, really appreciate it.
Your 2013 Opponents
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