Published on August 9th, 2012 | by Curtis E. Lay0
Curtis E Lay by Jules Doyle
A Salute to the Hot Bald Lady in the WFTDA Rule Book
She is instantly recognizable, one of the most iconic people in roller derby. She is studied far and wide, with the platonic intensity of art students sketching a figure model. She is the physical standard of legality by which all hits are judged. For that alone, her influence on the sport is incalculable. And yet, she remains oddly anonymous, unknown, and unsung…until now.
Ladies and gentlemen, it is with humble admiration and questionable judgment that I offer this salute to the Hot Bald Lady in the WFTDA Rule Book.
You know who I’m talking about: the female figure in the rules with shaded areas indicating legal target and blocking zones, the lone human encounter on your odyssey through the rule book. In the current WFTDA Rules version 4.0, she resides in multi-panel splendor on page 15.
Beside the aforementioned shaded areas, obvious distinguishing characteristics of the Hot Bald Lady include:
• Facelessness (holy crap, my spell checker did NOT flag “facelessness”)
• Clotheslessness (okay, spell checker got that one)
But from there, the questions begin: What’s she like? What’s her skater name? What league is she with? What does she think of slow play?
Her arms extend slightly from her sides, palms open, as if she’s addressing the viewer, but what is she saying? It could be, “These shaded areas are legal hitting zones.” Or, it could be “What are you lookin’ at, mouth breather?” We have no idea…her pesky lack of a face strips away any context, thus judging her mood is a challenge. But she’s here to help us learn, so whatever she’s saying, I bet it’s polite.
Her ethnicity is somewhat unclear. If you print the rules, her race depends on the paper in the printer; she might be white, blue, goldenrod, lavender, etc. But if you’re looking at the pdf, she is white. I mean like really, anemically white…whiter than those blind fish that live in caves. One might encourage her to go outside and get a little sun…
…in the pdf, the shaded areas on her body are a blazing pink, indicative of a nasty sunburn. The sunburn extends to some of her, uhh, personal areas. In the “target zones” panel, she looks to have gone to a clothing-optional beach wearing only a sun hat, thigh-high boots, and a cape; in the “blocking zones” panel, she has traded in the cape for some long, elegant gloves. (Ooh la-la!)
The apparent predilection for nudism suggests an extrovert, yet she is more complex than that. For example, she has no tattoos, despite years of involvement with roller derby…this makes me suspect that she works either in sales, or a white-collar field, or some other setting where tattoos are discouraged. I’m guessing she’s either in media relations or a 2nd grade teacher in a red state. Or maybe she’s just afraid of needles.
And now, the point I’m most nervous to make. I don’t want to objectify her any more than I already have, but…oh, what the hell: what is going on with her butt? In profile, her booty is compact and gravity-defying, and quite possibly bionic. Viewed from behind, her behind (hee hee hee!) has expanded palpably in several dimensions. How did this happen, Hot Bald Lady? Is it an optical illusion? Do you have a not-quite-accurate body double? Are you hyper-clenching in the profile pictures but relaxing in the back views? If so, why? I’m not passing any judgment…I just don’t understand.
Well, it’s time to bring this unauthorized, highly speculative biography to a close…I hope it has opened your eyes to the world, nay the universe of possibility behind the Hot Bald Lady. Is she a mere line drawing, crafted to help us learn the legal hitting zones? Hardly. I propose that she is, in truth, a polite, gainfully employed, racially-ambiguous-but-kinda-really-white, sunburn-prone, fashion-savvy, secret nudist with a possible needle phobia and an as-yet unspecified condition of her gluteal musculature.
I could be wrong.
Either way, I salute you, Hot Bald Lady in the WFTDA Rule Book. Thank you, new friend, for all that you’ve taught us about penalties, and for all of the mystery and intrigue you bring.