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Published on September 28th, 2011 | by Trigger Mortis

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Idle Worship: An Open Letter to the Folks at Western Regionals

Dear RMRG and Rat City, I’m sorry that I yelled out, “You’re killing roller derby!” during the couple of no-movement jams during your bout. Once your wheels started rolling, you brought that shit harder than I’ve ever seen, and you are STILL and ALWAYS WILL BE my heroes.

Dear Demanda Riot, when a skater dies, I’m pretty sure the Grim Reaper comes in the form of you.

Dear Mercy Less, don’t ever change your hair style. I think Hurt Reynolds popped a boner at the afterparty just talking about it. He thinks it’s SecSE.

Dear Portland, pentagrams on the ceiling at the afterparty? If you wanted me to sacrifice a goat, you should have just asked.

Dear Scald Eagle, where the FUCK did you come from?

Dear Everyone, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE wear deodorant, or some form of odor neutralizer. We play like men. We don’t need to smell like them. If you need to borrow my Secret, please ask me. I’ll be at all of the tourneys. You know where to find me.

Dear Edie Disorder, did you clone yourself? You and Skate Oddity seemed to be everywhere at once.

Dear Rocket Mean, your ass is a thing of wonder and beauty. Where can I buy one like that?

Dear ReAnimate Her, I walked past you on the stairs and I think I felt you suck the air out of my lungs when we made eye contact.

Dear Scratcher In The Eye….. best….name…..EVER. *bows*

Dear Portland cop who pulled us over in Smack Ya Sideways’ truck, thanks for not giving us a ticket for not wearing a seat belt, and thanks for letting us enjoy our VooDoo Donuts properly.

Dear VooDoo Donuts, thanks for helping to make me a slower jammer.

Dear Bonnie Thunders and OMG WTF, thanks for jogging at 6 AM down the streets of Portland and making me feel MORE like a fat ass than the VooDoo donuts did. (Fortunately, you also motivated Weapon X and me to go jogging the next morning.)

Dear DumpTruck, stop playing so hard to get.

Dear whoever stunk up the women’s bathroom inside the entrance of the Coliseum, please go see a doctor. That stank lingered for all three days!

Dear Atomatrix, are you human?

Dear Quadzilla and Shortbus, those DerbySkinz costumes?….NO….just….no.

Dear Tracy “Disco A Go Go” Akers, you dance pretty good for a white girl. Next time, you must do this thing called the “Electric Slide.” I hear it’s the latest craze.

Dear Rose City fans, you bastards are carayyyyyzeeee! Did you slip some tabs of X in the public drinking system? Because I think I totally dosed on your love. Congrats, bitches! *flaps wings*

Love,
Trigger Mortis

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