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Published on August 31st, 2011 | by The Rev

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Editorial: The Dog Days Of Derby

This topic came up recently on a road trip to New England. We need to have dogs in Derby. Not just dogs, but puppies specifically. Cute, innocent puppies that we can use against our opponents and dress them up in cute little neon outfits. We’d keep them in an area near the benches so that when we are down we can look over and say, “OH GOD THEY ARE SO CUTE!”

Imagine how cute a puppy on skates would be. They could sell out Rat City’s Key Arena in no time if you managed to get a blocking squad of Burmese Mountain dogs dressed in cute little neon tutus with a Mini Pincher jamming. Oh, the tiny little helmets and mouthguards with 187 pads on their knees and pairs of tiny Antiks on each set of furry little paws. The horror. The horror.

More importantly, we need to start the new flat track roller derby organization called WOOFTDA. That’s right: doggie derby.

I know there are more people out there that appreciate a puppy now and then, but I will be honest – it’s our biggest distraction from the game. In our more recent trips across the world (to Seattle), Rat City found our Kryptonite and used it against us. They brought puppies to the bout.

Not only was it next to impossible to get our skaters on the track to warm up, but a few of them almost became criminals and tried to kidnap the puppies. (Unfortunately, they did not succeed and we managed to get back into Canada poochie free). Needless to say there were tears on the track before the game started because a few of our skaters wanted to play with the puppies instead of play against Rat City.

In a more recent case, during our first official game with the Mont Royals men’s team from Montreal (shameless plug), there was a gigantic dog in the penalty box (or at least near it). We had to put a stop to it by informing the penalty box staff that we weren’t paying attention to the game because there was a giant dog in the box.

I won’t even get you started on the Bulldog. Our coach and bench manager refused to let the second half begin unless they could hug the dog and sneak him across the border. (Fortunately one of our players brought his own dog, and it managed to quell the coaches long enough to get our lineups out in time before the 2nd half whistle blew).

Neon Skates, for example, has a Boston terrier in its logo. This is another example of how puppies are taking over the derby world and making it more difficult for us to have games. I most recently heard that Montreal wants to have a puppy pound next year so that players can go over and play with puppies during halftime as a means to relax between periods. It may work. I think it may take some of the stress off after the 1st half and get people ready for the 2nd half, but it won’t work to keep the skaters focused on the game.

TwoEvils.org would have an already overloaded database of new skaters on 16 wheels. Derby News Network would spawn off its new affiliate Doggie News Network and Dumptruck would have some new competition for the voice of derby. Jeff Da Ref already has a dog in a ref outfit. The possibilities are unlimited.

However, since I do not support Michael Vick or the abuse of animals in any way, shape or form, there is no way that doggie derby will ever happen on skates. I do, however, invite you to bring your other significant other to the next bout and perhaps make up a new name for your favorite canine. Let the WOOFTDA begin.

For you cat lovers out there, I encourage you to also dress your cats in little outfits and give them their own kitty derby names. But for now, at the bout, let’s just stick with doggie derby.

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