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Published on August 5th, 2011 | by Mercy Less


Derby Award Of The Week: The Keeping It Derby Award

RollerCon is fun. Period. But some people really know how to bring the fun. Part of the reason RollerCon 2011 was the Best RollerCon Ever (note: I was not at RollerCon 2005, but have attended every one since – anyone who was at 2005 says it’s the best since then…) was because of the extra added fun created by the geniuses of the LA Derby Dolls Enforcers.

So this week, I give you the very first Derby Award Of The Week: The Keeping It Derby Award! The Award goes to the LADD Enforcers for Refs 2 U.

If you’ve been to Vegas, you’ve been harassed by these guys on the Strip, selling what the kids these days are calling “hookups”:

The Enforcers were found in the hallways slapping cards at people during RollerCon, encouraging us to order them for officiating of all kinds, and offering a “half off for half off” discount for their services. My partner in business and hilarity/ crime, Assaultin’ Pepa, was hooked immediately!

The night of the Black and Blue Ball, I spent the first portion of the event in the pool with friends. When I emerged, I visited Australia (a poolside cabana full of Australian skaters) to spend time with my Rocky Mountain buddies, Pepa and Catholic Cruel Girl. They quickly informed me of the service, and the fun I had just missed. The first “order” of refs included officiating an arm wresting competition, and an accent-off, between Ozzies doing American accents and Americans doing Aussie accents. I think Oz won, and I think Cruelie won arm wrestling.

Pepa informed me she was ordering up some refs again, and I needed to help her come up with a new contest. I decided it could be fun to have a ref toss into the pool for distance. We grabbed Cruelie and Ace Vegas of Oz to be one team, competing against Pepa and I as the other team, at tossing Thomas Refferson into the pool.

Pepa and I tossed first, she took his arms, and I his legs. We swung him about 3-4 feet into the water. We weren’t sure about our performance, and the nearest lifeguard looked concerned. When Hurt Reynolds begged her for one more toss, kudos to the Riviera lifeguard staff, she shrugged and said “no problem.” Cruelie and Ace tried hard, but Cruelie began to lose her grip, and Refferson had about an inch of clearance into the water, quickly followed by Cruelie into the drink. We won!

The Refs 2 U crew was so pleased with our patronage (and very public advertising of the fun on front of 3000 Black and Blue Ball attendees) that they offered us a VIP comp of our choosing. We quickly whipped up a Zoolander-style walk-off/ pose-off challenge by (victims) competitors Quadzilla and Justice Feelgood Marshall, who were standing nearby. We planned this for the 15 minutes before the Derby Weddings the following night, but alas, we misunderstood the schedule of that event, and it didn’t happen. (Weddings are traditionally held at midnight on Saturday at RollerCon, so we scheduled it for 11:45 pm. The weddings started at 8pm, instead. West Coast BOOOOOOOO).

To say we were hooked is an understatement.

We proceeded to an RMRG room party and ordered the refs again. We wracked our brains for a new competition, but the best I had was a Kid N Play dance off. The refs arrived, and it was quickly decided that an epic sock juggling contest was in order. Socks were found, the whistles blew, and it resulted in an immediate Official Review and Do-Over when one competitor threw a sock wad at another’s head. A victor was declared, and we returned to Australia By The Pool, but not before the 20 witnesses we dragged to the room with us were shushed in the hall by a hotel guest because of our giggles.

Upon our return to Oz, Charlie Frown delighted us with a ribald tale of the 6 topless skaters he had just left Refferson with, to officiate who knows what. Within 13 minutes, ever the professional, Charlie was on the phone reminding the girls that they had to pay for additional time, and rumor made it around later that they did indeed order Refferson again and again that night.

The following night, I was at dinner when I got the text from Pepa that it was time to compete again. By the time I arrived at the pool, she and Cruelie texted that they had gone to bed early, and would see me tomorrow. Phone in hand, I was ready to order up some refs to officiate them sleeping, when I realized I didn’t have their room number. FAIL.

I heard rumors swirling that people were ordering the refs to officiate other peoples’ roomates’ hotel sex, and body parts, so I was on to my next plan. I called to order Oliver Clothesoff to officiate marital relations between wedded Enforcers Gia De Los Muertos and Roger Assaultry. To no avail, though, as the two had just finished massages by the talented Miss E. Vile, and were dead asleep in anticipation of Sunday’s Gramercy Refs morning challenge bout. *Sigh* I informed Frown that I’d think hard about another competition, and he informed me that nothing made him happier than the thought of me thinking hard.

Rowdy poolside conversation and sweet hangs with Ventura County friends and my beloved friends Betty Bamalam and Dahmernatrix got in the way, and there was no more officiating that night. Until Sunday. Glorious Sunday…

The DNN RockBand Suite Party got off to a roaring start, but before any officiating could happen, we got 2 strikes for noise complaints and were forced to move the party downstairs to the Casino by the Queen Vic pub. (Note to the Riviera: next year continuing the 24 hour pool party through Monday morning will result in fewer noise complaints from hotel guests – our apologies).

Pepa was on task, officials were ordered, and we quickly decided on a stare-off. First up was me vs. Rebel Rock-It, and I lost (it was Wundamike’s fault – he started announcing our “bout” and I couldn’t help laughing). Next was Hurt Reynolds vs. Dumptruck, and Hurt lost. A bad night for anyone named Chris Seale (ask us about our government names – there’s a reason we call each other Hurt and Mercy…).

The winners played each other, and a huge crowd of competitors and photogs gathered as Dumptruck swept every match. After about 10 rounds, a dark horse competitor took Dumpy’s title, inspiring cheers and boos from the larger crowd of fans. It was the first of several contests Dumpy would reign as overwhelming Champion in that evening. We learned that he’s an amazing competitor at many things!

The night was young, and we were obsessed. Drinks flowed as we devised new and better contests. Blocking each other out of a circle on the floor (I came out of retirement for this one, and was bested by a brollerderby skater from Europe), pushups with tiny force of nature Penergy! standing on your back (Dumptruck beats Megatron by 7 pushups!), then we hungered for more. We had one last idea in us. Or two.

For our last order, we thought we’d call in the officials to officiate conversation, secret shopper style, by listening in. We began stacking the deck by devising a conversation strategy that combined one part literature, one part physics, and a healthy dose of good derby gossip. After strategizing, we decided this was boring, and we would win easily. Then I had a lightbulb moment: after hours of drinking, a Pissing Contest!

We gathered Gia and Roger, and I nearly pissed myself laughing as I ran around asking women and men if they had to pee. We found one woman, and after going through about 7 men who had just peed in the last 10 minutes, I talked Bong Jovi into competing. Gia and Roger had us all rolling on the floor laughing with their rules explanation: “No break in the stream, no spurts, squirts or shaking,” etc.

Cruelie and another skater and I followed Gia into the bathroom with our competitor. Gia pulled up a small divan outside her stall door ready to time her with her stopwatch. We laughed so hard we were asked to be silent by our teammate. The race began. When it was done, results were delayed by 2 minutes because we all had to pee, including Gia, before returning to the Casino. Power of suggestion FTW! Team dude won by 4. 5 seconds.

Fun was had by all, and we gave our beloved Refs 2 U crew the rest of the night off, and thoroughly enjoyed hanging out with them until the wee hours of Monday morning. Incidentally, as usual, the media won the afterparty, as DNN, Dumptruck, Bob Noxious, Wundamike, celebrity derby paparazzo Joe Rollerfan and his lovely ladyfriend were the last derbs standing at the end of the night.

(Further incidental: impromptu joke of the night on observing the announcers in a heated debate: “Q: How many announcers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: STFU, I’m TALKING!”)

In the end, we hoped that we had helped generate enough cash for them to cover the cost of their shirts, cards and website, and maybe a few drinks. We all spent the weekend collecting as many cards as we could to make a full set, and I assure you, my set will hang framed in the Derby Ranch, DNN/ DerbyLife office. Right under the framed photo of my Mom’s Zen teacher hugging the Dalai Lama.

Kudos, LADD Enforcers, for Keeping It Derby, and reminding all of us how to have a good time! All my derbylove, Mercy (Ref Toss) “Winner” Less

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